My life is not the prettiest or the most organized, or hell, even the cleanest. Let's be honest. I'm a train-wreck for the most part- my mind has too many projects that I need to start- or finish!, my washer has a load of laundry inside it that has been washed at LEAST 4 times now, I have a dinner menu in place that never goes according to plan, and my kids are little versions of me and I get frustrated because I see that and I don't want them growing up to be the replicates of Mommy. My husband works 2 hours away, 5 days a week (sometimes 7), and all he wants is to come home to a hot, delicious meal and a clean house. Well, at least I can provide him with a hot meal. Sometimes. *shrug*
Most days, the only thing helping to keep from exploding inside was being able to call my best friend. Well, if this is your first time reading a blog of mine, I'll give you a little summary. My best friend of 14 years and I decided to call it quits last year. It was for a number of reasons, but the main one was because we were stupid. That's right, I said it. We were stupid. I had a lot of things about my own personality that I wasn't willing to face, and she had some things in her life that caused her to disconnect from me. So, it was both our faults I've come to realize. Sprinkle in a little "encouragement" from outside sources, and there you have it- the wet fingertipped snuffing of what was meant to be a lifelong, grow old together, sitting on our front porch drinking Bloody Mary's while talking about how the world has gone to shit since we were 25 living it up at the beach.
It took a while for me to finally face my shadows.
I was afraid. I was afraid of losing the one person I felt knew me better than I know myself. My husband knows me, yes. But even he will admit that I confuse the holy hell out of him most days.
Me: "This is what's great. But you should know this."
Him: "No! I shouldn't! Because this is ridiculous! You should know it's disgusting and shouldn't even be a thing and not to do it!"
(That's our argument about Bloody Mary's, just in case you're wondering. My stance is they are the elixir from the gods. His stance is... No.)
My husband and I know each other on a different level. He and I have childhood memories and I firmly believe we have past life experiences together as well. My soul recognized him the first moment I laid eyes on him. But, that's a different blog entry. This blog is about seasons changing.
Have you ever gone from one season to the next and hated it? Let's take Spring and Fall for example. You're in Spring, and you're thinking, "Why can't the year just stay this way forever? It's perfect sweater weather. I can cozy up with a good blanket on the rainy days and sip my coffee from my favorite mug and just enjoy the fresh air with ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN!" So, you open the windows and then everything is covered in pollen and you're thinking, "W.T.Actual.F. ABORT! ABORT SPRING!!" But, you have to suffer through it because you know it only means that Summer is fast approaching. You envision yourself sitting at the pool, basking in the sunlight, everything is golden. Then, Summer rolls along and you're wondering why in the name of all things good did you ever think Summer is a good idea because "melting" is not the picture you had in mind. You're wondering why the pool is swarming with bugs and why you can never make it to the pool to begin with because by the time you get out of work, it's too late to even enjoy it!
Finally... Fall. Autumn. The changing of the leaves. Everything is beautiful. Everything is perfect. The choir of the heavens is signing it's operatic song. Everything is... dying! Everything is falling into your yard, making it a soggy mess. But... the weather is great for BBQ's and having friends over, and it's perfect for those days when you want to wake up and drink your coffee while you watch the sun rise over the horizon.
In our life, we go through seasons. Not just the outside weather and changing seasons of our planet, but LIFE seasons. We go through phases. We go through changes. We have pollen-filled, sinus-irritating moments, and then we gradually realize that it's passing and soon, we'll be able to enjoy the next phase of our lives.
I just went through a season. I went through a shit-storm of a season that was not fun, it was not pretty, and it was absolutely not ideal. But it was necessary. It was necessary for us both.
I'm telling you this because there may be someone out there going through a season of their lives that seems that no matter what you do, it's just not giving you the life you thought was planned for you. We all have these painted pictures in our minds of what we think our lives will look like in 10, 20, or even 50 years. Don't let one season alter that picture.
I held my love for my best friend. And now we're back. We have a lot of healing to do, sure. We're still going through some stuff on an individual level, but the point is, I never let the end of our friendship destroy my love for her. I made the effort to reach out to her and I am so glad I did.
Seasons change. And change is sometimes the best way to bring about what we need in our lives. My picture once only included me and my best friend. Then, it included me and my family and my best friend. Then, it only included me, with my husband and our kids. Now, it's a mural of everyone and everything that is important to me, best friend included.
What is your season right now? What is your painted picture? Are you holding firm to that picture or are you watching it blow away in the wind? If it's blowing away, are you just going to stand there watching it, or are you going to run like hell through the storm to catch it and make sure that no matter what, you will see that picture become a reality? What does that picture even look like? Has your picture changed over the years? If you don't have a picture, I want you to take a minute and close your eyes. Now, paint it. And look at it every.single.day. And when your picture has become your reality, close your eyes and paint another one.
Because the greatest things about seasons... they change.