10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Looking at my Instagram feed (or anyone’s for that matter), you may get the impression that I have it all together. I have this smooth life with a fun little hobby that makes me money and everything is just smooth sailing. Well, if you believe everything you see on Instagram, then you’re totally right.

But if you’re no stranger to my blog (or my life), you’re laughing right now and thinking, “Yeah, okay! I know better!”

In today’s “Perfect Feed” world, it’s become instinct for us to hide all the things we don’t want people to know about. And this is nothing new! Before social media, we still hid all our shit. When we have company coming over, we all have that one room that everything in the house gets thrown into and the door stays shut. (Maybe yours is a closet… mine is a room. My bedroom…) In the good ol’ black and white television days, it was not uncommon for many wives and mothers to be on anti-depressants or opioids of some sort. Don’t you find it kind of creepy that women were always smiling when you know those pointy bras and waist cinchers were NOT comfortable?! I mean, come on, I used to live in corsets because I thought they were hot (and I may have been a little goth girl at one point, don’t judge) but those women lived in them because they were expected to.

My point is this: we are not supposed to be flawed. We’re not supposed to have imperfect lives. But most of all… we’re not supposed to let people know that we don’t have our shit together! Because then, what will people think?!

So. This post is to share something extremely important with you. This post is to let you know that you don’t have to clean that one area of your home before you take a quick selfie because I know that just outside of camera view is a pile of crap that you said, “Oh shit… that can’t be in the photo.” This blog is to tell you… there are things I’m afraid to tell you.

So today, I’m going to share those things and hope that someone out there, somewhere, will read this and know that they aren’t alone in being human.

10 Things I’m Afraid to Tell You:

1.     I suffer from severe anxiety.

Anxiety is one of those things that if you’ve never had it, you don’t really know how to empathize. And if you have had the “pleasure” of experiencing it, you know what I’m about to tell you is entirely too true. Anxiety is this horrible thing. It’s something that can come on at any given minute and make your day go from wonderful to scary. I’ve had anxiety since I was a child. It’s just something that’s part of me. There are days where I literally cannot move off the couch. There are days where I force myself to speak. There have been times where I have run out of my house just to be somewhere else because all the walls closed in and my blanket was just not enough. It’s not something I talk about and it’s definitely not something I want people to know. But it’s there, and sometimes I just have to push through it.

2.     I don’t like social events.

It’s not that I don’t like being social. Let me clarify. I love having friends and being with friends. I love being out and about. I love the energy and the atmosphere of a good spot with lots of laughter. What I don’t like is being in a room full of people I don’t know and having to force conversation. It makes me super nervous. I never know what to talk about and I always feel like an idiot. At our 10-year high school reunion, one classmate told me that she always liked me. I was surprised, to say the least! And I told her, “I didn’t think you liked me! I always thought you and the crew hated me. That’s why I never really talked to you guys.” And do you know what she told me? She told me that everyone thought I was a bitch. Everyone thought I was being bitchy because I never talked to people and I always looked like I was judging everyone. Well, that was far from the truth! If I knew then, right? If you see me out and I’m not being social, it’s not because I don’t like you or because I’m judging you. It’s because I’m scared. It’s because I’m scared to death to make a fool of myself or I’m scared that you won’t like me!

3.     I get nervous before EVERY shoot.

Maybe this has something to do with my anxiety. But, I want you to know that if you’re nervous about your shoot, I’m twice as nervous! Not because I don’t know what I’m doing, but because I’m so passionate about what I do that I just want everything to go PERFECTLY. I want you to feel amazing and I want to be sure that I can help you with that. I have a very specific routine I run through before every single shoot and it really helps. But, by the time the shoot starts, all my nervousness melts away and seeing the back of my camera with this stunning image of you just gives me the rush I need!

4.     I’m afraid of failure.

When I was in elementary school, I was a straight A student. It was something that came very naturally for me. It made my grandmother proud and she always bragged about how smart I was. So, it became something I was almost obsessed about. I had to have the best grades. I had to accomplish everything I tried. When I told my grandmother what I wanted to be when I grew up, my grandfather told me I wasn’t smart enough to become an archeologist. I got my first B. It crushed me. I was already struggling with other things at that time, and this was the one thing that sent me over the edge. I thought my world ended. I thought it was over because of that one stupid letter on my test. That fear has never left. I have struggled with this more as an adult, maybe because there’s more at stake. I have kids now and the fear of failure has become more important. I tell my children, “Sometimes we lose and it’s okay. But you know what makes that a good thing? Now we know what doesn’t work so we can try something different next time!” I try really hard to follow my own advice.

5.     I was scared to be a mom.

I lost my mom when I was 10. She was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, my most secret diary, my hero, my idol. She was my best friend. She was my Mother. For the longest time after my mother’s death, I believed I was responsible. I believed that it was my fault. So… I was afraid that I’d do the same to any kids I had. That I would let them down or cause them pain or whatever it was. I was scared to be a mom. I also came from a pretty abusive household and I was so scared that I would somehow bring a child into what I thought was just a normal way of living. I am still fearful every day that I will somehow cause some unseen damage to my children.

Boy… this is getting real. Okay, you’re halfway through. (I was talking to myself.)

6.     Money has always had a hold over me.

saddle shoes

This is a tough one. I’m not saying I’m obsessed with money. I’m not even saying I LIKE money. This one is more about the lack of and what that does to me. I hate being in control of finances. I hate knowing about the money situation. I have given every bit of that over to my husband. It stems from not having the proper amount of money as a child and the bullying that went along with that. I remember one year, I had a teacher that took on being more than just a teacher. She picked me up from home and took me to special events. She was involved in my life more than teachers are supposed to be. She started taking me and my siblings to these Christmas events at her church. I didn’t know that the events were like “Christmas for those in need” charity events. I thought we were just being loved, you know? So, I got these cool saddle shoes that I immediately fell in love with. (Check out the pic if you don’t know what saddle shoes are.) I wore those shoes to school and the first day, I was met in the hallway of my elementary school by one of the “popular” girls, holding her little purse, and she told me how ugly my shoes were. She told me that I was obviously white trash because “who else wears ugly shoes like those?” It was then that I knew money made a difference in people lives- some for the better, others for the worse. Not coming from a family where money was abundant was both a blessing and a curse. I grew up not knowing what it was to have everything I wanted, but I also grew up knowing how to appreciate the things that most take for granted.

7.     I’m actually a very boring individual.

I’ve had my share of interesting moments. I’ve partied with Gene Simmons from KISS. I’m worked with some of the best hairdressers in the world. I’ve done hair and makeup for runway. I’ve been both in front of and behind the camera. I’ve met some amazing people and been part of some amazing moments in others’ lives too. I also love nothing more than sitting at home, on my couch, with a hot cup of coffee and never changing out of my pj’s. I love my life now even with all the stressors. I have piles of laundry that I roll my eyes at. I have a dinner menu in place (well, for the most part. My husband may tell you that’s a lie, lol). I wear my hair in a ponytail most days. I watch Disney or Pixar movies over and over and over with my kids. I’m not very adventurous with my food. My IG feed may show me out and about, but I still go to the same places and order the same thing with the same people- most of the time. If I didn’t have to take my son to school now… I would probably go days without ever leaving my house! I’m really not that exciting. So please, if you see me or want to talk over social media, reach out! I’m probably just watching The Emoji Movie for the 5 millionth time and drinking a cup of lukewarm coffee.

8.     I struggle with body image.

It’s no big surprise if you’ve already read some of my blog posts or you’re involved in my Facebook group - Lovely Boudies. I suffer with Anorexia. It’s become easier to talk about since I made it public a couple years back. I like to say that I’m currently in recovery. I’m not anorexic anymore. I actually eat really good. Sometimes too good, to be honest. There are still days where I struggle though. And every day is a war with the mirror. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself and somehow the image in the mirror doesn’t match what others’ see. I’m getting better, I think. I now know where that healthy point is for me and I try to maintain that. I want nothing more than to set an example for my kids. I have struggled and fought to get to the point where I can enjoy a piece of chocolate cake. I want to show my kids what a healthy relationship with food looks like. And I can’t do that if I continue to let this disease win. If you struggle with an eating disorder and you need someone to reach out to, I’m here. Always. Find me and message me. I can’t promise to cure you, but I can promise to be an ear and listen. I can promise to tell you how amazing you are even though there may be another voice in your head that tells you differently. If you have no one else in your world that you can be open to about it… you can be open with me.

These next two are tough.

9.     I’m not a very good wife.

Marriage is HARD, you guys! I’ll be honest, ladies. I suck as a wife. I don’t keep the house clean like a Stepford Wife. I barely cook edible food. I’ll get lucky with a good meal once in a while, but there are more overcooked or undercooked or just plain “blech” meals than good ones! I’m needy and moody and I don’t communicate well. I cry way too much and I get angry for no reason. And I drive.My husband.Insane. My restless legs at night are enough to make him sleep in another room. I want too much chocolate and not enough sex. That’s right, I said it. I’m a terrible wife. But I’m working on that. I don’t just accept it and say, “You know what, that’s the way it is.” No. I’m trying to be a better wife. The cooking is improving. I know what I like, but that doesn’t necessarily mean my husband is going to drool when he hears we’re having Tuna Noodle Casserole for dinner. He’s never slept anywhere other than our bed even on the worst of nights when I end up doing the angry bed-bounce because I can’t get comfortable. (You know what that is, don’t lie.) He’s an amazing husband and I hope one day I can be half the spouse he is. And sometimes, I’d like to think that makes me a somewhat good wife.

10. Whew. Last one. I’m a worse friend.

I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I will do almost anything for my friends. You call me, and if I can answer, I will talk to you all day long. At least until my signal cuts out because Verizon really DOESN’T reach everywhere. #getittogetherverizon I am the friend that will go months without calling you or texting you. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s just that my mind is so scattered that sometimes I get overwhelmed with my own life that I simply… forget. And by the time I remember, it’s when my insomnia is raging like a hormonal bitch and it’s 2am and I know if I text you then, you’re gonna be like, “Seriously? 2am? This couldn’t wait till morning.” and then I’d be like, “No because I’ll forget because I’m only going to get 3-4 hours sleep and have to figure out how to adult in the morning.” I know we all have lives to live and we all have stuff that needs attention. And I can tell you that I will fight tooth and nail for you if you are my friend. I’m just a quiet individual!

Okay… so there’s that. Typing it out wasn’t so hard. Hitting that publish button though… that’s the hard part. My point of this post is not to show you how to focus on all the bad things, but it’s to “out” some of those things that make us feel not worthy. It’s to show you that other people go through the same things that you may go through. So, if you’re like me and you suffer from being human, let me know in the comments what you can relate to. I’d love to hear about it.